Starting again

It’s a funny feeling leaving your baby to go to work for the first time. I’ve left him before, but that felt different. I was going to a meeting, getting a haircut, buying groceries, or heading out to dinner. This is different. This morning felt like a new phase and new beginning, but also a goodbye.

Those first few weeks are so fraught. You’re running on empty, jugging life with a newborn while being cocooned by those who surround and love you. Now those weeks are over, I miss them.

Work feels a bit strange. I’m wearing appropriate clothes that aren’t design solely for comfort or accessibility to breasts. I’ve just made myself a cup of tea which I am planning to drink while it’s still hot. Everything here is white, shiny and clean. And so, so quiet! There’s no yelling. Just the quiet murmurings of people getting stuff done.

I’ve been here before, but this is my third time round. I was under the false impression that today would be easier than it has been. I know it’ll get easier. Give it a week and it’ll feel like I never left. But I will have lost my badge. Currently I am a ‘mother with a baby’. People are amazed when I get somewhere on time looking vaguely presentable. Soon I’ll be back in the general category of ‘mother’. There’s not as much understanding, forgiveness or food deliveries for this category.

I’m going to start now. I’m going to enjoy my hot tea and sense of achievement at completing tasks. I’m also going to try not to return home two hours early under the guise that the baby needs me when really it’s probably me who needs him. I’m also not going to beat myself up about it if I do, because today is day one. Today is about starting.