The social minefield of catching up for coffee in the business world
Catching up for coffee is business code for a short informal meeting. It’s a modern minefield of unspoken etiquette. Catching up for coffee in a social setting is easy. You make a time, chose a location, and catch up for a chat. The business world is different. There are unspoken rules and I’m only just starting to get my head around it.
A couple of my friends are people with big important jobs, and they’re constantly asked to catch up for coffee. They’ve told me about the terrible coffees they have, and they can’t understand how people get it so wrong. But what is ‘getting it wrong?’ How do you ask to meet without causing offence or being too pushy? What is ok to talk about? How do you make the most of the opportunity? How do you not gush (that one might just be me)?
I talked to two friends recently who need to meet people they don’t really know for coffee. One is wanting to get back in to the workforce, and started talking to the woman sitting next to her at swimming lessons. It turns out that woman works for MBIE, and part of her job is helping women return to the workforce. She told me about this and I instantly replied - you should meet her for coffee. She looked at me, alarmed. She felt it would be very presumptuous, because in mum world that behaviour would be like asking a guy you start chatting to in a queue for a movie if he imagined a future together.
The other friend has just returned to study and needs a supervisor for her thesis. Her lecturer has told her she should invite some people who could help her for coffee. She was horrified. She also couldn’t fathom asking a near complete stranger to meet for coffee.
I think the difference is in mum land your child-free time is so scarce that going out for coffee without children is a total luxury. You would never assume a near-stranger would want to spend this time with you. In the working world it’s different. Coffee catchups are how things get done, how connections are made, and projects and great ideas launched.
So, how do you ask someone for a work coffee?
You need to know what you want. This can feel uncomfortable in a world where we’re taught to put others needs above our own. But as one of my friends in high places said when we were talking about this “If I’ve agreed to meet you I’ve already decided to help you - so tell me what you need my help with.”
Be prepared. If you’re meeting someone new, you need to think about what they need to know to be able to help you. When I asked a relative stranger to meet me for coffee about the possibility of starting a coaching relationship, my wise friend put me through the ringer to prep me. I turned up for that coffee with a one page document summing up where I was at, where I wanted to go, the road blocks I saw to getting there, and how I thought she could help me. She read it and within 5mins we were underway. Had my friend not prepped me I probably would have led with the weather!
The approach. I think you’re best to approach potential coffee catch-ups through email, as this gives the person time to read your request when it suits them. I personally get a bit rambly in face-to-face social situations with someone I admire, and really appreciate that emails allow me to edit. But in some cases this isn’t possible, and you just need to seize the moment.
So:
Keep it succinct, a work coffee is about 30mins so don’t waste too much time on chit chat.
Be clear about what you want, and why you think the person you’re talking to may be able to help.
Do your homework. Know about the person you’re meeting so you can tell them why you think they’re the right person to help you.
Think about why they would want to help you. Is it expertise, something they speak of that they value (like women helping women) and be clear on why you are asking them (as they might not be clear on why you are meeting).
Pay for the coffee!